Have you ever had moments that you just feel like everything is falling apart?
Some seasons are long and hard.
Some seasons are like a never-ending winter; everything is dull and dark and dreary.
The past two+ months have been that type of season for me. I constantly felt like I was falling short; that nothing I did was good enough for anyone in my life. School seemed impossibly hard and busy. I was perpetually tired. I kept getting sick. Relationships were falling apart; hard and fast. Work felt daunting. Even my Zumba classes felt like they were sucking the life out of me.
About a month ago, someone asked me how my relationship with Jesus was and I told them that if it was a dating relationship, we’d be on a break.
I had been praying rather hard for something for a while and I told myself that the Lord was giving me a “Yes” when I knew it was a “wait.” …But then I got tired of waiting and I said, “No. I’m done waiting. I give up.” Honestly, I felt bullied. I felt betrayed by people in my life and, what was worse, I felt like God was gonna do whatever He wanted with my life and that I would just have to deal with it.
And then I cracked.
My soul felt like a house after a devastating earthquake.
There was so much more to my “no” than what was on the surface.
My “no” also said, “Lord, I don’t trust you.”
It said, “My ways are better than Yours.”
“You’ve left me stranded.”
“You’ve broken my heart.”
“You’ve let me down.”
When lies become your “truth” its hard to do anything at all. I couldn’t keep my house clean, I couldn’t get work done at my job, I couldn’t sleep, I felt like I could barely focus my eyes to read. It was all I could do to put on a big smile and continue letting everyone believe that I was totally perfectly fine!
But I was hurt and broken and angry.
When you stop believing that the love of the Father is for you, all you can feel is anger and despair.
To my relief, I found myself on the long road back to my home in PA for spring break. I’ve never been more excited to leave Lynchburg in my entire college experience. I pulled into the driveway of my childhood home and fell into my moms arms. I was home. I was safe.
I found myself healing there because I was able to let all the walls fall, I was able to take off my mask, and simply be broken. When I’m home I’m aware that I am known there… and I am loved for who and all that I am.
And that brought me back to what the Love of the Father really is. It’s a love that’s okay when I throw a fit because my plans got derailed. It’s a love that isn’t angry with me when I’m angry at Him. It’s a love that catches all of my broken pieces when I fall a part. It’s a love that lets me go through these seasons if it means I’ll refocus my eyes back on Him. It’s a love that knows me- fully and loves me for who I am- without condition.
I cried before leaving home. Not simply because I was sad to say goodbye to my family (or home cooked meals) but because all of Lynchburg seemed tainted to me. I was so scared to return to the hell I had just ran from.
But seeing that I only had 8 weeks left of my entire college career… staying at home was not a viable option.
So I, begrudgingly, set back out for Lynchburg. The drive isn’t so bad, it’s a little over five hours of weaving through the mountains of West Virginia and Virginia, after a long shot of the dreaded Pennsylvania Turnpike. But this drive was different.
As I looked out in front of me at one of the mountainsides, I was rather confused it looked like it was covered in snow! How could that be? It was 60°+ outside and had been for a while! And then I realized that it wasn’t snow, it was the flowers budding on dogwood trees all over the mountains.
Then I began to notice that there were purple flowers everywhere on the trees around me and white and yellow flowers surrounding the highway.
Spring had come.
I felt, in my soul, the Lord say, “It’s a new season, Lia.”
Sometimes winter seems never-ending.
But spring is always coming.
Winter may be harsh, but spring makes everything new again.
We aren’t stuck in this winter forever.
Spring is coming.
No matter how long winter is, keep your eyes fixed on Him who makes all things new...
Spring is coming.