A Bed of Despair

I arrived at the place a few months ago where I felt absolutely crushed by life. I had shoved myself into being a workaholic, I felt overwhelmed by Sin City, I felt frustrated with people around me, and to be honest? I felt disappointed and frustrated at God.

Bill Johnson says that when we are disappointed with God, we have literally built a case against Him in our hearts… and that was exactly what I had done. I had let things that I believed should have happened or should be happening build up in my heart. Instead of leaning on who the Lord has always been from generation to generation, I sat in my own little pit of despair and I made a bed for myself there.

Sometimes despair feels like a big comfy bed- it’s familiar and it’s easy to just lay in.

When a friend or family member would offer wise words or even scripture to the problem I was pining over on any given day, I would have some rebuttal that, to be honest, wasn’t completely false.

Let me give you an example conversation:

Me: “I’m just so tired of being single and being alone in life.”

Trustworthy and wise friend: “You’re not alone in life! You have a great group of friends who love you and Jesus is always right beside you!”

Me: “Yeah, but at the end of the day, it’s just me. I have to make hard life choices alone and yes I have the Lord but it’s not the same as having someone sitting right beside you.”

I could do this with many other things as well but I think you probably get the point. Was I wrong that I don’t have a partner in life to listen to the Lord on our behalf and help make hard choices? Nope. But I had given myself over to despair- something about giving answers like this felt validating. It was as if I was saying, “No! I’ve decided that God has let me down and you should see that, too!”

Proverbs 1:7 says, ” The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. ” (ESV)

I was actually tired of people telling me the promises of God because so many of them laid before me unfulfilled and I felt hopeless that they would ever come to pass.

What was the first sin in all of humanity? Was it that Eve disobeyed? Or was it unbelief? “Did God really say you couldn’t eat from this tree?” (Genesis 3:1)

Unbelief slithers into our hearts and minds and it breeds bitterness and disappointment which lead to anger and despair.

All of this can change in one moment when we remember that everything we believe about God, ourselves, and this life has to flow from one fact: He’s our good Father.

Everything Jesus said was purposeful; not one word He spoke was unintentionally said. When the disciples asked Him how we should pray, He didn’t start with, “Oh sovereign, all consuming fire,” or “Oh, One who opposes the proud,” or even “Oh, Provider and Healer”- no, He starts with, “Our Father.” Everything else flows from that place.

He’s a present, active, kindhearted, loving, and all together good Father. 

What if we believed that was true?

What if, in my pit of self pity and despair I chose to believe my Father is who He says He is and that He will always do what He say’s He’s going to do?

“He who did not spare his own Son but gave Him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?
– Romans 8:32 (ESV)

He willingly gave His Son’s life for me and I’ve convinced myself that He doesn’t care that it’s a desire of my heart to be a wife and a mom someday?

He willingly gave His Son’s life for the city of Las Vegas yet I’ve convinced myself I need to work myself into the ground to see it transformed because it isn’t happening on my time table?

He willingly gave His Son’s life for YOU yet you’ve convinced yourself that He won’t come through for you? That He doesn’t know your heart? Or worse- that He knows your heart and just doesn’t care?

Oh, dear friends, what if we believed He is who He says He is?

What if we believed that WE are who He says we are?

Fully known and deeply loved Sons and Daughters.

It changes everything.

Despair has no place in the life of a Child of God.

So, my dear friends, I implore you to ask the Lord if there is hopelessness, despair, or unbelief in your heart. This can be so humbling and hard to even ask if pride is in the way but let Him reveal any bit of it that you have in your heart! (Don’t be afraid- Remember, He’s gentle and kind.) Then repent of it and ask Him to fill you with faith!

“I believe; help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24 (ESV)

Lastly, ask Him to show you who He truly is- His very nature and heartbeat, and who He says you are. I advise writing down what He speaks to you- His thoughts about you are better than you think they are!

He loves you.

He loves you.

He loves you.

He loves you.

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