Regret : Navigating Heartbreak
I wish I wasn’t writing this. I didn’t expect to be here again; I guess very few people anticipate that their heart will be broken once again… but alas, here I am. I was as careful and cautious as I possibly could be, but all the caution in the world couldn’t have stopped me from arriving here. To be perfectly honest? I’m glad nothing stopped me from being here again.
That is not to say I’m glad my relationship ended- I’m not. (Although, every well meaning friend has assured me that someday I will be… but I have yet to find myself there.) But that is to say, I do believe with all of my heart that Alfred Lord Tennyson was correct when penned the famous expression, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” It would be easy to say that I regret this relationship or falling in love… but nothing could be further from the truth.
Culture paints pictures of heartbroken girls eating a gallon of ice cream, cursing her ex’s name, saying, “I wish I had never met him!!!! I wish we had never fallen in love!”
Why is that? Well, because pain often tempts us to regret that which has caused us pain but I’ve found regret to be a waste of time and utterly contrary to the Gospel. If I truly, deep down in my bones, believe the Bible to be the perfect Word of God, and I believe that Romans 8:28 is actively true, regret has no place in my life. (Remorse over sin being different than regret, of course.)
“And we know that for those who love God
all things work together for good, for those
who are called according to His purpose.”
- Romans 8:28
This verse often creates emotional tension within the heart of anyone who has walked the road of grief and sorrow. The tension grows exponentially when we played a part in causing our own pain. We find ourselves wishing we could go back and change things. The ‘if onlys’ and the ‘what ifs’ play through our mind as we endlessly weep through all the tissues in the house. But, when our soul has been anchored in the living Word of God, the verse above pushes back on those sneaking questions. Because, the reality is- God is working this together for our ultimate good.
I was asked earlier today my a friend of mine, if I had one wish, what would I wish for. I told my friend that I was tempted to say that I would wish to go back in time, to the day before things began to unravel in my relationship, and warn myself; I said I’d do anything I could to prevent the situations that ended things with the man I love. I would warn myself of what to say and what not to say- I would let her know what was coming and what I thought could stop it… but then I told my friend that if I were to be perfectly honest, I would likely not use my one wish in that way. As excruciatingly painful as this heartbreak has been, as devastating as this loss has been, I wouldn’t undo it. Why? Because deep down in my soul, I believe the Bible. I believe God is in THIS moment and that He has a reason for this momentary affliction (2 Corinthians 4:17).
Wanting to undo what has happened would be saying that I do not trust that God has my best interest in mind or that I know better than He or it would be saying that God has lost control and this situation is somehow outside of His plan for my life. Without knowing the end of my story, I know full well that this moment is necessary! God loves us too much to allow unnecessary pain. This pain has been like a refiners fire, pulling me closer to the heart of God and continually revealing more of the Father’s love for me. If that alone is the reason for this experience, who am I to say that it isn’t worth it?
We happily declare God to be the author of our story when it could be copyrighted as a Hallmark script, but will we glory in Him as our Author when we despise the current plot twists that He has written? Do we trust His nature enough to know that even this is for our ultimate joy and our greatest good? If He really is a good Father, if He really is the perfect Redeemer, then even our darkest of nights hold anticipation of a greater dawn than we’ve ever known.
I think of Joseph and I wonder if he was ever tempted to regret sharing his dreams with his brothers. That was what landed him in a pit, then caused him to be sold into slavery, then wrongly accused of rape, and then put into and Egyptian prison. How could anything good come from all of that?! If he had kept quiet, perhaps his brother would have left him alone and Joseph would have enjoyed a nice life right beside his father, Jacob. But God was writing a different story- one that was for an even greater outcome, not only Jacob and his family, but for entire nations. There is not one ounce of regret in Joseph’s mind when he declares the following:
“As for you, you meant evil against me,
but God meant it for good, to bring it
about that many people should be kept
alive, as they are today.”
- Genesis 50:20
Regret is a temptress but worshipping through grief and thanking God for who He is are the best way to face heartbreak.
I truly couldn’t be more grateful that the Lord allowed me to experience a relationship like I had. I have never loved someone so much and I’ve never been loved in such a Christlike way; the current pain doesn’t negate that! While I wish the Lord hadn’t allowed it to end and that this chapter hadn’t been necessary, all I can do now is thank the Lord for every good memory that was made and everything about the relationship that caused me to grow closer to Him and trust Him as I grieve, process, and press forward.
I’ll allow this place to become an altar of His nearness.
I’ll let my tears wet His feet as I draw closer and closer.
I will declare His faithfulness.
I will worship the One who never leaves nor changes.
I will remind my soul that even now, even in the valley, He is leading me towards a greater glory and a more wonderful “good” than I could ask, think, or imagine, no matter the outcome.
If you are in this valley with me, I beg you, do not give in to regret. Set your face like flint and choose to thank the Lord for whatever He is doing right now. Grieve deeply, invite Him into every single painful moment, and continue to thank Him for who He is. I promise you, He is moving on your behalf; even when it seems utterly impossible that this is for your good, I promise you, it is. I say that to you, tears streaming down my face, wondering how in the world this will all shake out… but knowing that it’s true for me and that it’s true for you.
