* The days in between *

I’m rarely at a loss for words… but right now they all feel fleeting, inadequate, and far too trivial to give language to this day.

One year ago, I left my dream job. Well… to be honest… I fled from a nightmare that started as a dream.

Maybe there will come a day when I’ll feel released to share the details of the events that lead me to the decision to run from my job, but for now… I want to talk about that final day, this day, and the days in between.

On that final day, I woke up with Pain and Fear as my closest companions. They often brought their close friends, Depression and Suicidal Thoughts, to come and hang out as well. I tried desperately to push past them and listen only to Holy Spirit but they were constantly by my side, and had been for months.

I got ready for my final Sunday service with the knowledge that I was doing what I had to do… but what I never wanted to do. I had dreamed of getting married and raising babies at my sweet church. I imagined leading worship with my children on that altar and recording albums with my precious worship team that I had loved with all of my heart.

But the church I moved across the country for was gone and had been for a while.

Arriving at church that day, I knew I had become the villain in several people’s stories who once called me family.

I teared up several times during rehearsal that morning- I had loved my worship team with everything I had. They were a dream come true. I had also fallen desperately in love with a boy on my band and I knew that day was the last time I’d lead with him for a while (Little did I know that that was the last time I’d ever see him. No, he didn’t die but he essentially acted like I did from that day forward.)

I remember crying to that boy before service began. I remember anxiety coursing through my body and I remember asking him if I was making the right choice. He assured me that I was… but my heart and mind couldn’t wrap themselves around the pain in my soul as the service began- how was this happening?

I remember getting into my car, blasting, ‘Wide Open Spaces’ by the Dixie Chicks and breathing a sigh of relief. It felt like I had been in a terrible war- I had fought with all my heart and had lost… I wasn’t sure how broken, battered and bruised I was.. I wasn’t even sure if I was fully alive… but the war was over.

Remember my friends from that morning? Pain, Fear, Depression, and Suicidal Thoughts? They presumptuously took the role of post war recovery nurses. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the recovery was as brutal as the battle.

In January, Jesus asked me to lay down everything I had busied myself with. Depression and Anxiety had come in a way I had never known and Productivity was my drug of choice to numb myself from the storm they were causing deep inside of me. When I finally stopped everything, I finally went under HIS knife. The knife of the Great Physician. The only One who could fix what had gone terribly wrong. The only One who could take away the trauma that was ricocheting through every fiber of my being.

There were moments when I wasn’t sure if I was going to survive and didn’t know if I wanted to.

Jesus was so close in those moments. Panic attacks would come in like a tidal wave and the only way I could ride it was to turn on worship music and just. keep. breathing.

One song carried something that felt like a blanket of protection and peace- it invited me to stop fighting for as long as I could keep it on repeat. It was a song that Sean Feucht had written and sung at a ‘Let Us Worship’ event in Texas. When I first heard it, I felt the oil of warfare all over it. Sean was singing it from a place of victory- it was my glimmer of victory in a season that felt like hopeless defeat.

As panic attacks would rage, whether in bed or in a grocery store, I’d begin to sing or listen to this simple song- my 911 call to Heaven.

“Jesus, my Redeemer
Jesus, my Provider
Jesus, when I sing Your name
Everything changes
Jesus, my Defender
Jesus, my strong tower
Jesus, when I sing Your name
Everything changes”

EVERYTHING. CHANGES.

That didn’t feel true. But it was and still is. It’s more true and more real than anything in this world.

Jesus had to show me all the lies I had believed in the previous season. He had to show me that I had allowed the enemy to have a stronghold in my heart when it came to suicide. I had believed that death was a protector somehow… like a backdoor exit in my mind that I needed to keep just in case the Lord didn’t come through. I had to shatter that lie and repent for it. I had drank deeply of the proverbial cool-aid and there was a lot that needed to be eradicated out of my soul. There were hours of inner healing, deep and painful deliverance moments, counseling, and more weeping in prayer than I can say.

It was by far one of the hardest seasons I’ve known… but I wouldn’t trade it.

Why?

I learned HIS voice all over again.

I learned how to linger in His presence all over again.

I learned who I am IN HIM all over again.

I memorized the look in His eyes.

I soaked in the feeling of His strong carpenter hands wrapping around my heart- holding every broken piece and keeping it beating.

I re-learned the Gospel from the simple smile of the Savior.

And now, here we are. One full year later.

I’ve traveled more than I ever have and have seen a move of God like I’ve only ever dreamed I’d see. I just got back to Las Vegas after a weekend in San Diego for a Burn24-7 Global Summit and two Let Us Worship events. This month alone, I’ve been able to be on the ministry team for 5 Let Us Worship events and a few nights ago I even got to babysit the Feucht kiddos after a night of seeing hundreds saved and set free! WHAT!?!?!

Jesus walked with me through the Valley of the Shadow of Death and now, on the other side of it, I am more free and more alive now than I’ve ever been before. Fear, Pain, and Depression, sometimes still sit at my front door, sometimes they try to go on a run with me… but they know they’ve been evicted.

I have no idea what the future holds… but I know it’s more and more and more of Him. And no matter how I get more of Him, He’s worth it.

Oh, He is so so worth it all.

Maranatha.

To The Woman Trying to Convince a Boy to Love Her…

I went for a run in the heat today.

As I started my run, memories quickly flooded every inch of my body. 

The last time I was at this particular park, I was with a boy that I was in love with. He had told me the night before that he didn’t want to be with me. The next night, we walked all through this park. It was dark and we were alone. The boy insisted on taking my hand to walk me through the creepy parts of the park. He kept playfully chasing me and then wrapping his arms around me tightly when he would catch me. To reiterate- this was the day after he broke my heart for the second time. 

Upon breaking my heart, he had told me how afraid he was of losing my friendship… hence the late night stroll right after said heart break. 

But… as I ran through this haunting park… of course I felt a surge of frustration towards this boy, who has since completely walked out of my life, breaking my heart for a third and final time… but more than that I felt a deep compassion for that girl. 

I let all those things happen. Did that boy do things he shouldn’t have? Absolutely. But… I let him. Made space for it. Even enjoyed it. 

Why? Because I didn’t know I deserved better. I spent two years trying to show this boy that I’d be a perfect wife for him. I didn’t know that I was worthy of a man who doesn’t need convinced about me. 

I didn’t know that “good enough” wasn’t good enough. 

Jesus has his mind made up about you and about me. He made up His mind and then moved Heaven and earth to get us next to Him for all eternity. He gave His very life in pursuit of us. 

We are biblically called to marry a man who loves us like that. 

(READ THAT AGAIN)

So, to the woman trying to convince a boy that he should love her as she loves him… it’s time to let him go. It’s time to run. 

Run straight to Jesus and ask Him what you’re worth. ✝️

Now What?

After a day like yesterday, my little words feel insignificant. I scrolled social media in disbelief as I saw pictures of people climbing the capitol building as if we were in a marvel movie gone wrong. Days like yesterday shouldn’t happen and seeing a Jesus flag in the mix of it all broke my heart to the core. Knowing that the church has so closely tied itself to the president, beyond policies, and that so many view him with such hatred I feel like I’m just at a complete loss.

All my life, I’ve wanted to let my friends know that Jesus is not perfectly represented in Christians. I remember crying with friends in high school who had been hurt by the church. I remember sharing the gospel with them and sharing scriptures with them that showed a huge difference between the man of Jesus and the modern American church.

Let me be clear- I love the church. As a worship leader, I’ve fallen more in love with the Bride as I have the honor of leading her to the Bridegroom. When the church rises up in her true identity, there is nothing more beautiful. Jesus loves His church- like a lovesick Groom is captivated by His Bride so is the Lord for His Beloved. But the first 3 chapters of Revelation show us that Jesus isn’t passive when it comes to bringing correction and rebuke to the Church.

The past few years, I’ve become more engaged in politics. My trip to Northern Iraq opened my eyes to the policies that had come under the Trump administration that were actually helping refugees and hurting people groups all over the globe. I had realized that I had been misinformed by the mainstream media outlets I had become accustomed to listening to. I had bought the narrative about Trumps brash personality and insensitive tweets and with it, I had stopped looking at what his administration was actually doing. While I wish the man would get off twitter and cannot wrap my brain around the insensitive things he often says, as far as policies go, I believe he has done a number of incredible things for our nation and for the nations of the world.

That being said, I watched myself fall into something that I saw many in the church fall into this past year. I found myself putting my hope in my political party. I bought a rhetoric of despair around the thought of a democratic controlled government. The fear of losing religious freedom and entering a time of persecution began to grow. The fear of court packing, a rise in socialism, and an overall decrease of freedom became a focal point in my heart. More often or not, I wasn’t praying about it from a place of believing that God had a solution or a plan, but I was praying against those I disagreed with.

I was sitting in the airport a few weeks ago, heading home for Christmas, and I felt like the Lord began to speak to me about all of this, completely out of the blue.

I felt like He began to remind me that the disciples, and most of the Jewish people of His time were expecting the Messiah to be a political ruler who would come and overthrow the Roman Empire. Many people were disappointed when that was NOT what Jesus did. People even tried to get Him to answer their political questions but He gave short answers and moved on- that wasn’t what He was most concerned with.

So what was He most concerned with? First and foremost, loving and glorifying the Father. Second, loving others- typically the most marginalized and outcast people.

If Jesus walked on the scene today would we be looking for Him to save us from people of opposing political views or to heal the sick, raise the dead, and bring hope to the hopeless? 

We know that one day, Jesus will return and every knee will bow and tongue confess…not just those with opposing views. He will come and everything will be overturned. Jesus isn’t returning as a Republican King or a Democratic Lord. He’s coming as King of Kings and Lord of Lords and all of American history, all of our great documents and leaders, will become but a footnote in His story of eternity.

Your vote in November mattered. I pray you voted your convictions. I honestly hope you voted for righteousness and I believe voting for life is of the utmost importance. I believe it’s important that the Church uses her voice for righteousness and holiness in the land and that we have a duty to vote. But salvation does not come through the government. Do I pray for the overturning of Roe V Wade? Of course. But I’ll also pray for wisdom in loving girls with unplanned pregnancies and supporting foster families. The Church is called to bring the Kingdom of God into every situation no matter the law of the land.

Sadly, we find ourselves asking the painful question of, “Now what?”

Now, we love.

Now, we listen to those that are hurting.

Now, we repent for what we’ve done wrong because we are not without fault.

Now, we remember the calling Jesus gave us- to proclaim the gospel to all people.

Now, we pray and worship and believe that Jesus’ plan will prevail no matter what happens in the political arena.

May we move forward with our eyes fixed on Jesus, the founder and finisher of our faith. He is endlessly worthy of our devotion and allegiance being solely to Him and His Kingdom.

To the Lonely Ones,

Lonely.

Loneliness is one feeling that is often rejected in church cultures.

When a Christian says they feel lonely, they are often met with scripture being slapped in their face.

“Well you know God is with you!!!”

“Well the Word says you’re never alone!”

“Well that just means you aren’t leaning on the Lord enough!”

I’ve never understood how shame has ever felt like the correct response to loneliness. At the end of the day, all of those responses result in some level of shame. Never have I EVER felt better after someone has said one of those things to me. I’ve never told someone I was feeling lonely, have them tell me that I just need to trust the Lord more, and then suddenly felt better. Never. Ever. Happened.

Don’t get me wrong- all those answers bear truth. We do need to be reminded of truth and sometimes we do need a kick in the pants. 

But loneliness… Loneliness has a depth to it that is so specific to itself. Loneliness has a way of making you feel like it’s swallowing you completely. It can come in moments that don’t make sense: ‘lonely in a crowded room.’ And it can come in deeply disappointing moments: ‘I thought you’d be there for me but I was alone.’

I had a moment of incredible loneliness a few weeks ago. It was one of those moments where loss met disappointment in one consuming moment of loneliness. I felt devastated and completely alone. It felt like the pain would last forever- it felt inescapable. 

I wondered if Jesus actually understood my pain- this pain. Did Jesus understand the depth of loneliness, abandonment, and deep deep disappointment I was feeling?

Then He reminded me of one very specific moment:

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" -Matthew 27:46

I wonder what it felt like for Jesus in that moment. He had always had perfect fellowship with the Father. Since the dawn of time- He had never been separated from Him. Ever. 

Yet… in this moment… in this horrible and dark moment… there was separation. As our sins were poured out onto Jesus and the wrath of God was satisfied through His sacrifice- Jesus felt a distance that He had never felt before. I wonder if that was the most unbearable part of the crucifixion. 

Did that moment feel like an eternity in and of itself? 

Did Jesus feel alone while surrounded by people? 

Did the reality that no one else in the history of humanity had ever or would ever understand what He was experiencing overwhelm His heart? 

Hebrews 4 talks about Jesus being our great High Priest who understands us and can empathize with us completely. There is no pain that you will ever feel that Jesus doesn’t understand. 

Breathe that in, beloved. 

Jesus paid an incredible high price and suffered greatly, not only to conquer sin and death and pay for your salvation but also to know you fully; to understand your experiences and pain completely. To be able to be right beside you in your pain and be able to empathize with you fully.

I don’t know what you’re walking through and if I did, there’s a chance I wouldn’t understand it. But Jesus does. He’s right beside you. He sees you. He knows you. He loves you more than you could ever know or ever hope. 

You can bring your loneliness to Him and He won’t hand you shame in the form of a christian clichés. He’ll bring exactly what your soul needs. You might not even know what you need right now… but He does. 

Invite Him into the hardest and darkest moments. He knows exactly what those moments are like. He’s with us when we’re in the fire and in the flood. He’s unafraid to sit in the bottom of the pit with you.

Maybe this simply prayer is where you need to start:

“Jesus, I’m lonely and my heart is hurting. I’m disappointed and frustrated. I know that You are good but my situation is saying otherwise. Would You meet me here in my loneliness and pain? Would You reveal Yourself to me in this hard and dark moment? Thank You for walking among men- thank You for being able to understand my pain. I know You are with me, even when it doesn’t feel like You are. I know I can trust You; help me to trust You. I love You. In Jesus name, Amen.”

“He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed. ” - Isaiah 53:3-5

Rare Moments of Worship

[ APRIL 8, 2020 ]

This was originally written in February- just under a month before quarantine began.
I knew I wasn’t meant to share it then… but I had no idea how timely it would become.
I pray this encourages your heart and stirs your soul. This is, indeed, a rare moment.

We learn in church that worship is not just the music before the sermon- it’s a heart posture, it’s a way of life. We talk about giving Him our worship in the great moments and in the hard moments.

There are moments in life that are a set apart because they are “rare” moments- rare moments that we can choose to worship.

I’m a person of extremes- I feel like a day is either the BEST DAY EVER or the absolute worst… but the reality is that we live our lives mostly right in the middle of those options. Most days are fine; some are better than others and some are harder. We have happy days and we have sad days… and I want to be found giving Jesus all the worship that I can on those ‘normal’ days… but then there are ‘rare‘ days.

The details don’t matter for the sake of this post… but I recently found myself face to face  with sorrow. I found myself deep in the swells of heartache.

As I felt the pain sink into my chest I felt a stirring in my spirit and I got behind a piano and began to weep before the Lord through song. 

I’d love to say that all it took was that moment and I’m totally fine now.. but that moment was the first of many; sitting behind a piano, with my guitar, or curled up in bed… worshiping through tears.

When Mary of Bethany sees Jesus for the first time after her brother, Lazarus, has dies she falls at His feet and weeps and says, “If you had been here- my brother wouldn’t have died.” (John 11) Often we feel like a statement like that is accusatory… but it wasn’t. She is declaring who Jesus is even in the midst of sorrow- in the swells of heartache. 

The sorrow Mary was faced with was a rare moment in her life.

That rare moment that she chose worship in lead to an incredible display of the glory of the Lord.

The season I find myself in, although it can feel endless, is in fact ‘rare.’ One day, I’ll look back on it as just a moment in my story- it’s not the place from which I will live out my life.

The Lord is showing me that there is something so incredible about choosing worship in the rare moments of life. We give something unique to Him when we worship Him through them. We gain something unique in the Spirit, also. 

When we lift our tear-filled eyes, open our once tightly gripped hands, and confess that He is good and that He is trustworthy and that He is always more than enough in the rare moments- we find ourselves going deeper into intimacy with Him than we’ve ever gone before.

From this place, He deposits many worthwhile things deep within us.

He anchors us with steadfast hope.

“We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,  and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” – Romans 5:3-5

He draws closer to us.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18

He gives us eyes to see that we are becoming like Him in experiencing what He experienced.

“He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” – Isaiah 53:3

The list could go on endlessly.

Beloved friends, lets choose worship in the rare moments. The sorrow, the pain, the ache you are feeling will not last but while it is here- choose to worship through it. Choose to let it bring you back to His feet, weeping while you declare who He is.

He is near. 

To The Girl Who Doesn’t Feel Chosen

[ FEBRUARY 14, 2020 ]

To The Girl Who Doesn’t Feel Chosen,

Today is Valentines Day and I know what you might be feeling… the Absence of a significant other that feels like a companion in and of itself. Maybe you woke up not remembering the date and social media feeds of couples quickly reminded you… or maybe you woke up with the date ringing as loudly as a siren in your head. I know the feeling all too well. This is my 26th single Valentines Day. I know the emotional roller coaster that this day brings; I have memorized every twist and turn, every high and low. Even as I write this, those feelings come rushing back.

I don’t want to tell you to get content with your singleness. I also don’t want to tell you that you need to set your hope on a Valentines Day where your husband celebrates your fairytale love perfectly and meets every expectation that you’ve got.

Today, I simply want to tell you this:

You are chosen.

You are wanted.

You are dearly loved for who you are- quirks and all.

You are not less than and you are not too much.

I promise you that it’s the truth. I know how not true it can feel… but Jesus’ words over you are far truer than anything in this world could ever be.

Take time today and ask Jesus what He thinks of you (listening to His voice and His alone). Ask Him what it means to be His Bride.

And… As you look to your own someday wedding day… remember that He’s waiting for His, too. He understands the waiting.

“There’s gonna be a wedding!
It’s the reason that I’m living;
to marry the lamb!”

Skip Ahead

[ FEBRUARY 3, 2020 ]

I thought this morning about, if I could, what day in my life I’d like to just skip ahead to.

My first thought was one I felt was rather clever- the day after the birth of my first child. I could skip past labor and I’d have a husband and a baby. Perfect! That’s my heart- to be a wife and mom!

But then I realized I didn’t want to skip the experience of being pregnant- no matter how challenging.

So I picked another day.

The second day was I thought of was my wedding day. I would finally be a bride and have my groom! The planning would be over and it would be the day I’ve dreamed of my whole life!! But then I realized I didn’t want to skip being engaged.

So I picked a new day.

I thought about picking the day I got engaged. I could just fast forward to the moment I get to give the “yes!!” I’ve always wanted to give… but I realized I didn’t want to skip falling in love with the person who would be doing the proposing.

So I picked a new day.

The day my future husband asks me out on our first date! That’s perfect, right!? To be chosen. To move forward in my love story…

But then it hit me.. I don’t wanna skip this season right here. This season of steadfast prayer and of full (often forced) surrender. I don’t wanna skip this season even though it’s hard. Even though it’s felt long. I’m learning things and gaining things in the Spirit that I wouldn’t trade. I don’t want to skip it.

I’m right where I’m meant to be. I’m inside of His perfect timing and beautiful plan for my life.

I don’t wanna skip one single moment

This Isn’t What I Wanted

[ OCTOBER 9, 2019 ]

In two days, I’m turning 26.

As this birthday, that moves me closer to 30 than to 20, approaches I find myself completely overwhelmed by one thought: this isn’t the life that I wanted. 

As a college student, I had a 5 year plan that I had “surrendered” to the Lord… aka informed Him of.  It would have placed me living in LA, recording music and touring all over the world, with a husband and kids as I approach 26. That was what I thought would fulfill me and be what I needed. I thought that that would give me confidence and satisfaction. I thought that would make me happy and useful in the kingdom.

That was the life I wanted.

But that is not the life I have.

If you would have told College Lia about the life she’d be living as she approaches 26 she would have wept  profusely… and that’s not an exaggeration.

But… As I look around at my life, I realize that the goodness of God often looks like His lovingly kind, “No.”

He said, “No” to my plan as I said “YES” to His best.

Did you catch that?

He said, “NO” to my plan as I said “YES” to His best.

When I finally and fully gave Him my “yes” to His best, He immediately started shutting things down all throughout my world. I remember the night I cried out, “I let go- God I want YOUR best.” The very next day, the unhealthy relationship I was forcing came to an abrupt halt. In the weeks to come I found myself without dreams for my life for the first time ever… and the months ahead were filled with heartbreak and feeling completely aimless.

After about a year, slowly but surely things began to come together. Surrender opened my eyes to the kindness of his “no” and the beauty of His “yes” in places I didn’t expect. 

So let me tell you about where His 5 year plan places me: I’ve been a missionary to Las Vegas for three years. I am the Worship Director at, what I think is, the best church ever with a worship/production team that is on fire for the Lord and have become my dearest friends. I have also begun preaching and teaching more frequently. I have the insane honor of being the director of Burn24/7 Las Vegas which is uniting prayer warriors and worshippers across the valley as we declare the worthiness of Jesus here. Joining  Burn24/7 has connected me to a global family of revivalists many of whom that have become mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters in the faith to me. I am the owner of a home that is perfect for gathering people for food, laughter, and worship. I have more ‘family‘ than I ever dreamed I would.

I wouldn’t trade His plan for my old one in a million years. Of course there are things I still cry out to Him for but I’ve found so much joy in the surrender.

So, beloved friends, in the disappointment, in the heartbreak, in the wandering… finally fully surrender. Let your “yes” leave room for His loving “no” and His even greater “yes.” You just might find yourself living His dreams and trust me- they’re just. so. much. better. than you could ever imagine.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.”– Isaiah 55:8-9